They say ” Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing”, till I entered this phase I was unable to understand the importance of it, or rather I was oblivious from the feeling. As a girl, I never had developed such a keen feeling of understanding or managing kids while all my sisters were busy doing that. I had always kept myself apart from the baby business. I liked them to watch them from a safe distance just as you watch a beautiful scenario or a flower in the garden. I was more interested in other things than handling a baby. I don’t really remember holding any baby for long or nursing, after my own sister and that was 20 years ago. May be I was more bold and brave back then. I don’t know what happened after that, I lost interest in them, perhaps they seemed to be a little hazardous to me, well I know that’s awful, but, unfortunately, that’s the truth. Yes, may be I’m not allowed to say it out loud but it will be the truth of my past.  And that is one of the reasons why I was able to manage myself without a baby even after 5 years of marriage. Well the credit goes to my husband also, he never forced me in having one, and we were perfectly comfortable with the idea. We were happy about it.

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It was three years back when by mistake or by misfortune I had an unwanted pregnancy and miscarriage which resulted in complications- that was the first day when I realised what it is to hold a life inside you and what the pain is to lose that tiny life. It  reminded me of my inexperience and unawareness for which it happened. I almost felt like a murderer, may be by choice or by circumstances but I felt the same. I cried miserably, broken and devastated, it took long really long to come out of that trauma. Even today also I blame myself for that tiny unborn life we lost.

But as the time passes the wound heals. So we move on in our lives. We changed cities, tried different jobs, explored the world together. But after that incident I had developed a certain sense of inefficiency of becoming a mother. The idea haunted me and I got scared of the pain, the loss which I had suffered through. I expressed this to my husband and he totally agreed and understood. We kept the idea aside for coming few years. I was happy in my own world enjoying my job and the weekends together till last May when I came to know about the unexpected bundle of joy coming our way. Unexpected because you know precautions fails few times and we have to welcome the effect.

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We were totally mesmerised and astonished but scared also with the news due to the previous experience. But that moment I don’t know what kind of motherly instincts I developed, I became very protective and caring about it. It was a new joy. I thought I would be too scared, and I was initially but as the days passed I gained my confidence back. We followed whatever we were supposed to follow and we succeeded.

Now when I look at myself transferring from an advent girl to an expectant mother I have got strange feelings. Yes, I miss those days, I miss being  single, being alone, enjoying myself by sipping a drink, but it is for better. May be I will miss that for now, but that’s temporary. I can see myself growing in size, seeing all my clothes getting smaller in size, not able to walk properly, unable to wear my heels, but it is unbeatable when I feel those small bumps inside me. I know that there is someone depending on me, someone who’s existence stands on myself. May be I would be the world to that person, after my husband. And it created a much stronger bond between us, I had a strange feeling of getting drifted away from him. I was afraid of losing the proximity with my husband, I was afraid to lose the density and intimacy of our relation, but with time I have realised that this small life is going to bind us together in such a way that even marriage could not. It will be half of me and half of him, the most beautiful creation by us in all times. So it does not bother me anymore.

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Life changes so do the rules of it and also the way you see it. Yes I loved my single life, I explored and got adventurous and that’s not going to stop but to create a life it takes a lot more effort and courage. Now here I am on the verge of entering motherhood, waiting for my little one to arrive in coming few days. I know life would be different, not the same as before but I think I can figure it out, how to make it more appealing. And that’s the challenge we need take to go the extra mile, to create a difference.

 
Hoping for the best!